My refuge

I never realized how much I let fear control me until just recently! Fear of struggling financially, fear of not having control, fear of failure, fear of war, fear of cancer, fear of gaining weight, fear of not having control... I know I said that twice, but that's basically what fear is, not having control. 

There was a time in my life where I felt like I had the ropes by the hands and I was just swinging through life going from one situation to another feeling like I had this "world" down! I was in college, married, working, keeping my house clean, exercising like a mad woman.... the list goes on. My little world was following my plan. 

Then there was struggle in my marriage!

Then we had kids! 

Then I started working very part time! 

Then financially we were sacrificing!

Then I didn't have as much time to exercise!

Then my self image was skewed! 

Then I realized I'm not as patient as I thought!

Then I lost my temper!

Then we homeschooled! 

Then I couldn't keep my house clean! 

Then financially we were struggling! 

Then there was struggle in my marriage! 

Then I realized I am angry and afraid! 

I don't say all of this to unveil my "dirty laundry!" I say all of this because folks, this is Life! God has a plan for my life and I know that full well. I know I am doing what The Lord has called me to do and I am following him with all my heart and soul, but if I think I can control anything that happens to me I am crazy. 

In this life we will have pain and struggle and when it gets hard and I feel completely helpless, I have to turn to my Heavenly Father who takes my fear and weakness and uses it for his glory! He illuminates his strength and goodness upon me when I feel I cannot get up and take another breath! 

I get up!

I cry out to Jesus! 

I look for the grace in each situation that I have no control over and I rejoice because letting go of what had trapped me for so long has given me the courage to go on! 

The battle is hard and I find myself crying out to the Lord wanting more truth, but then I put God back in a box and think life should go my way.  I cry out that the Lord will change me, but then it's too hard and I say, "never mind Lord." 

I want more Jesus, but do I really want more Jesus? 

It means I will be humbled and weeping. 

What I have come to realize is for God to change me from the inside out, I have to be willing to allow whatever circumstances that come my way be a gift of grace to make me more like the image of Christ!